ROCK OF AGES

Rock of Ages (2012)
Grade: C+

Starring: Julianne Hough, Diego Boneta, Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand, Paul Giamatti, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Bryan Cranston, Malin Akerman and Mary J. Blige
PREMISE: Rock icon Stacee Jaxx prepares to launch his solo career by performing at the Bourboun Room, the Los Angeles music club where he got his big break. There, his path intersects with those of the broke bar owners, a cocky journalist, a rock-star-in-waiting and a small town girl looking for her calling.

Rated PG-13 for strong sexual content (including partial nudity, sexuality and suggestive references), language and alcohol use

Like the Western, the Movie Musical is a genre that was once popular but fell out of the limelight as audiences demanded grittier, more realistic fare. It has been fighting for a second wind ever since. At the beginning of the 2000s, it caught a break, when Baz Luhrmann's Moulin Rouge (2001) became a bonafide hit, and, the very next year, the big-screen adaptation of Chicago won 6 Academy Awards, including Best Picture. Heck, the musical even gained some serious small-screen cred in 2005, when the Disney Channel's High School Musical became a teen super-phenomenon. But other musical adaptations have been largely hit or miss, with some, like 2006's Dreamgirls, finding actual commercial success, while others, like 2004's The Phantom of the Opera, gathered mostly cult followings. And Rock of Ages, despite its big-name cast and its list of I-Love-That-Song '80s superhits, may just be 2012's mere musical appetizer, with a big-screen adaptation of Les Miserables due this holiday season.

So, we'll see what happens. For now, we have Rock of Ages, the movie version of the rockalicious musical of the same name (named for a Guns 'n' Roses song) that began a successful off-Broadway run in 2006 before reaching the big-time in '09. Starring a few actual singers (country soloist Julianne Hough, R&B diva Mary J. Blige), a few actors trying something new (ever heard of Tom Cruise?), and even featuring an actress who copped an Oscar for her role in Chicago a full decade ago (Catherine Zeta-Jones), Rock is a nosedive into the '80s subculture described, by Zeta-Jones' character at one point, as "Sex, hateful music, and sex". Or, in slightly earthier tones, according to Alec Baldwin's seedy bar owner: "sweat, ear-shattering music, and puke". Take your pick.

Plot: Rock features several different storylines that all intersect at The Bourboun Room, a famed music club on LA's Strip, in 1987. There's Sherrie Christian (Hough), a former choir girl from Tulsa with a pretty face and a pristine voice, who, upon entering LA, almost immediately meets hunky dreamer Drew (a starmaking performance by Diego Boneta), who tends bar at the Bourboun but dreams of being a headliner. After Drew gets Sherrie a job, they fall quickly and deeply in love, with their primary shared passion an obvious one: music. They both work for Dennis Dupree (Baldwin), the Bourbon's owner, who worries about being behind on his taxes but is distracted constantly by the alcohol, the music, and even his fiesty right-hand man Lonny (Russell Brand), with whom he may share a secret more-than-friends connection. The Bourbon is also the center of the local societal maelstrom, in which worried mothers and church groups look to free their children from the grip of Rock 'n' Roll, AKA "The Devil's Music". They're led in their ongoing crusade by Patricia (Zeta-Jones), the fire-breathing wife of the windbag mayor (Bryan Cranston), who has a particularly wrathful hatred of one Stacee Jaxx (Cruise), a rocker famous for hits like "Paradise City", "Wanted Dead or Alive" and "Pour Some Sugar On Me". Jaxx, however, is not all he seems--off the stage, he wallows in a near-comatose daily ritual of sex, booze, more sex, and the companionship of a baboon. In fact, outside the notice of his money-grubbing manager (Paul Giamatti), Jaxx is not happy, or even really interested in life. However, something inside him is reawakened by a no-nonsense sparkplug of a Rolling Stone reporter (Malin Akerman) who tells the 'rock god', to his face, that she thinks he's washed up and living off his reputation.

What Works?
You don't really even need to see the movie: get the soundtrack. I bought it and familiarized myself with it a few weeks before seeing the movie, and it's fantastic. All the actors-even those you've never heard  sing before, like Baldwin, Cruise and Giamatti-sing at least a little, and, for the most part, they sound terrific. Of course, these songs are all super famous (some of the instantly-catchy numbers include David Lee Roth's "Just Like Paradise", Starship's "We Built This City", Twisted Sister's "I Wanna Rock", and, of course, Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'"), but it's exciting to hear famous names with fresh voices sing them (Cruise, who sings three solo numbers and several duets, is outstanding). The movie is, of course, dominated by the songs (the ratio of music to dialogue is at least 3-1), but many of the actors give solid contributions. Hough is gorgeous, with an expressive face and a clear voice, and she's easy to like. Boneta's career ought to take off from here: he's a terrific singer who also has some pretty decent acting chops. Brand is in his element here, and he's a riot (watch him rub a reporter's microphone on his crotch while dismissing the rock-is-the-devil's-music crowd). He and Baldwin, who has many of the script's best lines, are an entertaining tag team. And Zeta-Jones, ten years removed from her heralded, award-winning turn in Chicago, is solid in a much smaller part--you don't doubt, for a second, that she's got the pipes or the attitude for a movie like this.

Basically, like most musicals, there are moments of almost giddy entertainment that make you feel like you wouldn't rather be anywhere else.

What Doesn't Work?
That said, Rock is uncomfortably tawdry, and it ruins an interesting career move by Cruise. After hearing his prowess on the soundtrack (his cover of 'Paradise City' is now one of my favorites on my iPod), I was extremely disappointed to see him slumming through such a lame, raunchy part with little depth. I also wonder if it was the best move for the actor, whose off-screen reputation is just starting to recover from everyone thinking he's a wacko.  Akerman, who only ever appears opposite Cruise in three different scenes, is tarred with the same brush (apparently, her character is unable to resist Jaxx's sensual charms); together, the two mangle Foreigner's classic "I Wanna Know What Love Is"--not because their singing is poor, but because they sing such a heartfelt song while half-naked and groping with each other.

Meanwhile, Giamatti is stuck in a Giamatti role-a blood-sucking parasite in sheep's clothing-Blige (who probably has the best pure voice of anyone in the cast) is wasted in a tiny earth-mother role, and, in another problem most musicals have, the narrative staggers along, and the character development is pretty much nil, because the music is king here.

Content: Like I said, this ain't no Disney Channel High School Musical. Rock is a sea of intertwining tongues and bodies, with scenes taking place inside strip clubs and other scenes featuring groupies simulating sex with various musicians (Cruise's character also wears a dragon-head codpiece that attracts a lot of attention). There's a little cussing, and a lot of alcohol-related content, but what you'll remember is the unending smuttiness (this is a heavy PG-13 in that regard). Parents, leave the kids at home.

Bottom Line (I Promise): It features great music, real laughs and some moments of rollicking entertainment, but Rock, besides being, as my brother said, "soft-core porn shown at a movie theater", is also over-long, disjointed, overstuffed, and features a classic example of how to waste a greatly talented actor.

Rock of Ages (2012)
Directed by Adam Shankman
Written by Justin Theroux, Chris d'Arienzo, and Allan Loeb; based on the musical/musical book by Chris d'Arienzo
Rated PG-13
Length: 123 minutes