JUPITER ASCENDING

Jupiter Ascending

Grade: C

Starring: Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Sean Bean, Eddie Redmayne, Douglas Booth and Tuppence Middleton, with Maria Doyle Kennedy as Jupiter’s mom

Premise: An ordinary young woman is mistaken for intergalactic royalty, instantly becoming a target of both ire and desire for the members of one of the universe’s oldest and most powerful ruling families.

Rated PG-13 for intense action and violent content, constant scenes of peril and destruction, some gore, language and brief nudity

Given the high-wattage stars and intergalactic-power-struggle plot displayed in the trailers, I thought Jupiter Ascending might be the rare solid February film that qualified as the kind of legitimate popcorn-entertainment usually released in the summer. Before I even saw it, I gave it brownie points for being an “original” work, the rare high-budget, big-spectacle flick not based on a bestselling book series, a comic book, a TV show, a video game, another movie, or a true story. I was hopeful. Not to mention I was intrigued by the possibility of a hiss-worthy bad guy played by rising star Eddie Redmayne, who is on the verge of possibly becoming a Best Actor Academy Award winner later this month thanks to his lauded portrayal of Stephen Hawking in The Theory of Everything.

Alas, I was way too optimistic. It must've slipped my notice that this film was written and directed by the Wachowski siblings, Andy and Lana, who wrote and directed an all-time great movie (1999’s The Matrix), and then ruined it with two overblown and overly-serious sequels, and whose last release was the ambitious but uneven sci-fi adaptation Cloud Atlas, a movie I sort of enjoyed but would probably never watch again. And, of course, Jupiter Ascending was released in February, which is typically a wasteland for movies. Ultimately, this is a cliché, underdeveloped and overwrought movie that was, at times, hard to follow, at others, ridiculously corny, and, for almost its entirety, seemed to be an unworthy compilation of scenes and ideas from about a dozen other, better movies. I suppose the special effects were decent and there were some engaging action scenes, but the muddled dialogue does neither its audiences nor its A-list cast (Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Redmayne) any favors, and, ultimately, it makes you feel that you would much rather watch Star Wars, even the prequels. Yes, this movie actually made me want to watch the Star Wars prequels. So, obviously, it wasn’t exactly great.

Plot

A second-generation immigrant whose astronomy-loving father died before she was born, Jupiter Jones (Kunis) is scratching a living with her Russian immigrant relatives and, essentially, hating life. Then, one day, during a trip to a medical clinic to donate some eggs for money, she's nearly killed by aliens but saved in the nick of time by an extraterrestrial humanoid (Tatum) who claims to have been tracking her. Allegedly a human/wolf hybrid, Caine, as he’s called, sneaks Jupiter out of the hospital and then tells her he was sent from the planet for which she’s named to bring her back to the ruling family of the galaxy, who believe her to be the reincarnated form of their dearly-departed matriarch. A quick visit to another humanoid who’s been hiding out on earth (Sean Bean, of Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones fame) confirms her “Majesty”, and, with assassins and trackers on their tales, Caine takes Jupiter to Jupiter. There she meets the Abrasax siblings, Kalique (Tuppence Middleton), Titus (Douglas Booth) and Balem (Redmayne), all of whom are thousands of years old and heirs of the ancient and powerful race that gave birth to life on Earth. They inform Jupiter that she is an exact DNA match for their late mother ('reincarnation' is the human word for it, she's told), and begin to clue her in on the power and prestige that entitles her to. But it isn't long before Jupiter begins to sense trouble. None of the siblings seems like a fully good-hearted person, all of them have benefitted from “harvesting” human lives, and Balem, especially, wants Jupiter to turn over all the power she has--or supposedly has--so he can rule the universe.

What Doesn’t Work?

That may not be a great description, but that’s what the movie boils down to, with the typical plot strand thrown in that Jupiter begins to develop feelings for Caine, her protector, but since she's royalty and he's a lowly foot soldier, the match cannot (or should not) happen because he is unworthy. Also, since this is the Wachowskis and their stuff has to have some extra meaning, there’s a bit about time being the real currency of the universe, and we’re all just boiled to how much time we have left and how we use it. It's interesting, I guess, but it doesn't help the idea carry weight when it's presented in the same hokey sci-fi universe in which a rich young heir (Titus, in this case), proposes marriage to the woman who’s supposed to be the second coming of his mother.

Yeah—corny is the main word I would use to describe this movie. Since this movie actually isn’t based on any prior material, it needs explaining, but it’s explained rapid-fire by people using all kinds of sci-fi speak and, sometimes, by people with accents that make it difficult to understand. The main characters are all paper-thin cutouts, too. Kunis is incredibly-attractive and suggests actual acting ability, but all she’s required to do here is gasp and scream when in danger and otherwise simply provide the requisite swooning/shocked/awed expressions. She doesn’t have a whiff of chemistry with the sadly-cast Tatum, who should fire his agent for getting him into this goofy project. All this likeably expressive actor does here is brood and shoot baddies. And Redmayne may find his Oscar chances in trouble, here confined to a cringeworthy example of hammiest villainy, with all his dialogue either hoarsely croaked or bellowed in embarrassingly-high-pitched shrieks.

Driven by dozens of plot strands that often seem to be quickly discarded (the Abrasax sister, Kalique, has one great scene and is never seen again), Jupiter Ascending seems far longer than its just-over-two-hours running time suggests. Really, this is a step up from average Sci-fi Channel fare only because of its name actors and its budget, which must’ve been huge (last I checked, $179 million). Good luck to the Wachowskis getting that back.

What Works?

Though its nearly every frame feels like a rip-off of Star Wars, Ender’s Game, Guardians of the Galaxy, Thor or even John Carter, Jupiter Ascending is visually impressive. In addition, there are a few reasonably-exciting action sequences to raise the pulse, and, let’s face it, it doesn’t hurt to stare at Kunis for two hours.

Content

There’s a lot of fairly-destructive sci-fi violence going on, and a few scenes concerning bloody wounds, and even a handful of cuss words. Shouldn’t cause any real stir, though some parents might not appreciate the close-up of Tuppence Middleton’s bare butt as she comes out of a bath. Ethics aside—keeping up with this movie’s avalanche of names, terms and plot threads is the real key to digesting this flick.

Bottom Line

Jupiter Ascending’s premise is intriguing, but the movie’s too long, too corny, and doesn’t give its A-list cast much to do. Most of the movie seems ripped off from countless other sci-fi franchises (Star Wars, The Terminator, John Carter), it has a chemistry-free romance at its center, and it might have ruined Eddie Redmayne’s Oscar chances. Did I mention it’s written and directed by the Wachowskis, who made one great Matrix film and then two stinkbomb sequels? Important to know. This wasn’t a terrible movie, but not one I’d recommend.

Jupiter Ascending (2015)

Written and Directed by Andy and Lana Wachowski

Length: 127 minutes

Rated PG-13