DOOM

Doom (2005)

Grade: C+

Starring: Karl Urban, Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, Rosamund Pike, Richard Brake, Al Weaver, Deobia Oparei, and Brian Steele

PREMISE: Some time in the future, high-tech Marines are dispatched to Mars to investigate disturbing, possibly earth-threatening happenings at a mining vault on the Red Planet.

RATED R for gory sci-fi violence, language, blood, and brief suggestive references

Now, in fairness, I watched Doom on television, so it was edited, constantly interrupted by commercials, and I was probably half-asleep by the end, but I did watch it right in the middle of a week-and-a-half-long sci-fi craze where I rewatched a bunch of my favorite sci-fi films (Avatar, Alien, Aliens, Predator). Thus, given the movie's newfangled, futuristic, but admittedly straight-forward humans-get-eaten-by-creatures premise, I was right at home. I've never played the game upon which Doom is based, but I enjoyed the movie about as much as you can enjoy one of these low-rent, no-artistry-allowed pics.

Plot: In 2026, technology has advanced far enough to allow people to beam back and forth from Earth to Mars, in the space of about a second. Thus, scientific researched has commenced on our red, rocky neighbor, and, naturally, things have gone wrong fairly quickly. A high-tech research station near a mining site has suddenly gone quiet, with rumors of terrifying creatures and infections killing off valued scientists. Enter Sarge (The Rock), and his team (guys with names like Destroyer, Duke, The Kid, Goat, and Hell Knight), who are sent to Mars to locate the scientists, and, if necessary, neutralize any immediate threats. For one man on the team, John Grimm (Karl Urban, of Lord of the Rings and Star Trek fame), it's personal, as the assignment destination means reuniting with his estranged sister (Rosamund Pike, who might look familiar from her roles in Pride & Prejudice and Wrath of the Titans). They know things are bad when the first scientist they find (Robert Russell) first mumbles to himself, then tears his own ear off, then disappears, but they don't realize how bad until members of the team start getting picked off one by one. When certain dead bodies start reanimating, and Grimm's brainy sister realizes why, they realize they have only one option: get back to earth and disable the transporter so that the monsters (a deadly, fast-acting virus that turns people into zombies) can't infect earth.

What Works?
You have to-have to-take movies like this with a grain of salt, and I did my best. Thus, I had no problem with getting characters to root for whose names are Sarge, Duke, Destroyer, etc..., and had no problem trying to figure out the idea of the "creatures" from Mars--considering Doom is based on a game where demons/monsters come out of a portal mankind found to Hell and kill people, I'd say it's pretty decent. In fact, they toss in some idea that the virus "zombie-fies" some people and merely increases the abilities of others, turning them into super soldiers, which makes for one heck of a mano-a-mano fight between two guys, each having gotten one end of the infection stick. Most of the actors are good enough (stop reading now if you didn't guess that character development isn't a big deal in this movie). Urban works hard and makes a commendable leading man, at least once you realize that he is the lead, and not The Rock. He also gets to be the audience's guide through an already-famous first-person-shooter sequence that last about five minutes and-I can't lie-is pretty sweet. Gamers will go nuts. Once the action gets going, it's pretty nonstop, characters die quickly (most of them without any attempts to give them depth anyway), and the last thirty minutes contain all the best moments. There's also a surprisingly-gripping part where, when one young man on the team questions Sarge's kill-'em-all orders on an ethical basis, The Rock's squad commander promptly threatens to kill him if he doesn't follow those orders (shades of Tom Berenger from Platoon). It's an impressively-serious turn of events for a by-the-numbers body count flick like this, well played by The Rock and Al Weaver.

What Doesn't Work?
About a week after watching Doom, I'm still trying to decide if Pike's performance as the stereotypical scientists was good or bad--kinda bland, I guess, which is often what happens to actors who spend a nearly-two-hour movie either rambling about science and protocol or screaming their heads off. There's also a consistently-and blindingly-obvious-foreshadowing to each big death (in a movie like this, does anyone who's left alone in some dark place ever make it out alive?). The special effects are okay-the lighting isn't always the best-and the end comes on very suddenly, though, in fairness, with a movie like this, once the baddies are all extinguished, that is the end.

Doom isn't about to become a sci-fi classic like those other films I've been watching, but for something I just stumbled across on TV, late at night, I found it quite enjoyable. The good guys are good, the bad guys are bad, there's an actual moral dilemma at one point that the audience can't see an easy way out of, and (get this) the primary virus isn't actually fatal. In this vampires-and-zombies obsessed age, there's darn near a miracle!

Content:
I watched it on TV, so I didn't get the full effect, but I can go ahead and guess: Doom has your resident action/sci-fi/horror blood and gore, plus plenty of profanity and suggestive references. There's also a good SHOCK or two as something jumps out of the dark-or out of a supposedly dead person's body-and consistently creepy/intense atmosphere.


Bottom Line (I Promise):
I actually kinda liked Doom. There's no character development, and there are gaps in logic and storyline as big as the Grand Canyon, but it's not meant for that: with a few intriguing key moments, plus a great climactic fight, it's about as much fun as a straight-up meathead movie like this can get.


Doom (2005)
Directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak
Written by Dave Callahan and Wesley Strick
Length: 100 minutes
Rated R

PUSS IN BOOTS

Puss in Boots (2011)

Grade: C+

Featuring the Voices of: Antonio Banderas, Salma Hayek, Zach Galifianakis, Billy Bob Thornton, Amy Sedaris and Guillermo Del Toro

PREMISE: Before he ever met Shrek and Donkey, the famed Latino cat gained a reputation as a lover, a fighter, an outlaw, and an adventurer, plus one of the few who knew the real Humpty Dumpty.

RATED PG for action, plus some crude humor and suggestive references

We all know by now that the Shrek thing has been overdone. After the first snarky anti-fairy tale burst onscreen back in 2001, chock full of all-ages-welcome wit and pop culture references, a trend was started. Three mega-lucrative but increasingly-bland sequels later, Shrek is a massive enterprise that's made nearly as much money worldwide as Star Wars. But with that saga finished (thankfully), the Dreamworks studio execs had another possible franchise (let's hope not) in waiting, spinoffs involving one of the favorite characters. Puss, a bright orange cat with goo-goo eyes and a Mexican accent, first came onto the scene in 2004's Shrek 2, and he's been a staple ever since. What with his sword-swinging heroics, his charming/amusing voice and his style, Puss almost immediately became a cash cow unto himself, which is why, just seven years after his first appearance in a film, he's got a movie all his own.

It should tell you something about how I feel about Puss in Boots that I'm just writing the review today, and I watched it eleven days ago. There's some intriguing action, some characteristically witty tongue-in-cheek images and references, and a great, expressive voice performance from Zach Galifianakis (of The Hangover fame), but it just feels tired--it feels as though it was conceived and created just to make money (sorry if you don't agree with me that that's the only reason it was made). You know you're in trouble when there are two lengthy musical interludes that feel more like a way to take up time than anything else.

Plot: Right from the start, Puss (voiced, as per usual, by Banderas) is after something: the magic beans coveted and kept by roughneck outlaws Jack (voice of Billy Bob Thornton) and Jill (Amy Sedaris). But an early attempt to swipe the beans is foiled by the presence of another feline bandit, one eventually revealed to be the slinky Kitty Softpaws (voice of Salma Hayek). Intrigued by her attitude, Puss wants to get to know her, but he finds out allying himself with her comes with a price: he must agree to help Humpty (Galifianakis) try to recover the magic beans. Helping Humpty is hard because Puss was once best friends with the egg-shaped man, but he was lied to and betrayed when Humpty used him to help him steal from the bank of a small town, San Ricardo, that, until then, regarded Puss as a hero. Since then, he's been an outlaw, but Humpty's plan to steal the eggs, grow the famed beanstalk, and grab the Golden Goose could mean a lifetime of riches and ease for himself, Puss, and Kitty. It's just a matter of how long former friends Puss and Humpty can stand each other, and how long they can evade the nefarious Jack and Jill.

What Works?
Honestly, a lot. Of course, Banderas is right at home in his fourth go-round as Puss, Hayek is a solid if unspectacular addition, and Galifianakis is a delight--he's on the same plane, expressive voice-wise, as Robin Williams (Aladdin) and Jeremy Irons (The Lion King). The name "Humpty Alexander Dumpty", alone, makes me chuckle. Thornton and Sedaris add a few laughs, and there are some rousing action sequences and even one good shock in the middle of the movie. Some of the novelty has worn off the wink-wink pop-culture/fairy-tale references Shrek was so good at, but a couple are still worth a mention, such as a feline nightclub called The Glitter Box.

What Doesn't Work?
Like I said: somehow, it just all feels tired.  Most of the puns are too obvious to be particularly funny, the ending is not only predictable, it's also unclear (why doesn't Puss understand that Humpty didn't die?), and the nice-guy depiction of the titular feline doesn't quite fit with the idea that he was a famed killer-for-hire in Shrek 2. That might seem like nitpicking, but it's important to understand that you can't just make up whatever you want to about a character whose been established in the public consciousness for seven years, even in a children's movie.

Content: 
Please. Other than a few brief suggestive references that only adults will get, or some rough-housing and tom-foolery, there's nothing here any member of the family can't watch. The smallest children might get scared, but everything turns out okay. Especially when you can make love-me-love-me eyes like Puss.

Bottom Line (I Promise): I'm usually a sucker for animated movies, so you know you've underachieved when I walked away feeling ho-hum. Maybe I was expecting too much, given that it's a spinoff of a children's movie series that went long in the tooth about five years ago, but Puss but overdoses on, and doesn't try hard enough with, the sort of clever ideas that made Shrek so delightful. This is certainly a passable family entertainment, but it's not in the same stratosphere as its source material for great storytelling.

ALIEN: RESURRECTION

Alien: Resurrection (1997)
Grade: C+
Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Wynona Ryder, Dominique Pinon, Ron Perlman, Gary Dourdan, Michael Wincott, Dan Hedaya, J.E. Freeman, Brad Dourif and Leland Orser
PREMISE: Two-hundred years after her death, infamous space explorer Ellen Ripley is reborn via DNA cloning so that the queen alien embryo within her can likewise be recreated--and weaponized.

RATED R for graphic gory content and disturbing images, blood and violence, language, scary moments, and brief nudity

Okay, so, first things first: everyone knows Ridley Scott's Alien (1979) and James Cameron's follow-up, Aliens (1986), are genuine masterpieces, two of the greatest science fiction movies ever made (Scott's original also belongs on the list of greatest horror movies ever made), and in the ballpark of best movies ever made. Both register today as uncommonly smart and sophisticated boo pictures, creature features that live and die by the less-is-more mentality concerning how often the antagonistic Creatures are shown onscreen, and both are near-perfect models of how to create, and sustain, gripping, white-knuckle suspense over long periods of time without ever dropping the ball. Alien: Resurrection is not in the same league as those films. Not in the same league, not in the same ballpark; it's connected to those films only by featuring the same malicious creature (the fanged, slime-secreting, acid-bleeding xenomorph) and the same protagonist (Sigourney Weaver's gritty, foul-mouthed Ellen Ripley). Whereas those earlier films thrilled audiences mostly with human drama and prolonged intensity (something practically unheard-of in the horror/thriller genre today), Resurrection piles on the blood and guts (literally) and slimy aliens with gusto.

And yet...it's not a bad movie. Nowhere close to those other two, of course, but not bad. It's a bit of a shame that, because it's part of the same franchise, you can't help but watch it and think of those other more quality pictures, but, if you leave your mind open, and set hopes for a third masterpiece aside, Resurrection is a surprisingly-entertaining, super campy action-packed romp. The script is weaker, the aliens look faker, and there are enormous gaps in logic and storyline, but it's essentially a sublime chase-and-kill action flick, about on par with the popular vampire/werewolf Underworld saga that's been popping in and out of theaters since 2003. Weaver still proves capable of carrying a movie, and a few new, energetic faces help keep the interest up and the excitement going through another showdown with some of the movie world's deadliest-ever monsters.

Plot: More than 200 years after she died just as an alien was bursting from her rib cage (in Alien 3), Ellen Ripley (Weaver) has been successfully recreated through cloning by scientists of the United Systems. Recreated with her was the alien embryo, which the scientists (led by J.E. Freeman and Brad Dourif) remove in order to create more aliens--creatures that, long ago, Ian Holm's science officer, Ash, once called "the perfect organism", circa the original Alien. However, the recreated Ripley's brains have been addled and she's showing some unusual tendencies and abilities, possibly due to the recreation of the alien within her at the same time her personal DNA was being remade. Enter the crew of The Betty, a smuggler spacecraft manned by gun-totaing mercenaries (Ron Perlman, Michael Wincott, and Gary Dourdan), which hooks up with the floating laboratory Ripley's aboard, bringing in captured human hosts for the new aliens the scientists are looking to breed (if you remember, the xenomorph needs a separate host in order to grow, from "facehugger" to "chestburster"). Also aboard The Betty is young Call (Winona Ryder), a smart, fresh-faced young woman who has the look of someone who knows more than she's letting on.

Just after Call sneaks into Ripley's cell and nearly kills her (Ripley talks her out of it), the aliens, taking advantage of the fact that their acid blood corrodes and melts metal, break out of their cages and storm the space lab. Scientists and security guards are killed by the dozen, including a general (Dan Hedaya) who was on hand to oversee the development of his new choice weapons. The giant spacecraft, now no longer being actively-manned, is also hurtling toward Earth. The crew of The Betty have no choice but the trust the peculiar, twitchy Ripley in their fight against, and flight from, the aliens, as they try to reach their ship again and take off before dying in the crash, which is sure to be devastating.

What Works?
Of course, the creature action works. Why wouldn't it? Who doesn't love seeing a giant fanged monster that bleeds steel-melting acid and is, at times, surprisingly-smart run around causing mayhem, swimming, climbing, biting, and tending to off any minor characters who are particular douche bags. Even an alien who comes on the scene late, and looks almost completely different from the others, while obviously a little silly-looking, is believable as a real, living being. The suspense is, of course, nothing on the suspense of the earlier movies, but it nonetheless keeps you involved despite some of the very bizarre happenings (the first half hour, and last twenty minutes, of Resurrection seem like they were written and conceived by someone on an acid trip, pun intended). Another thing, obviously, that keeps you engaged are the high-energy performances of the cast (Ryder, Perlman, Pinon, Wincott, and Orser are all effective), a plus in a special-effects laden action/horror flick.

What Doesn't Work?
Okay, so, that acid trip-esque set-up is freakin' bizarre (if you ask yourself "what am I watching" at any point during Resurrection, you won't be the first), and, especially as acted out by Brad Dourif and Dan Hedaya, painfully hammy at points. Those two give cringe-inducting performances, and Weaver, well, the first lady of the Alien universe gives the kind of performance that's hard to review-it seems contrived and cheesy, yet a lot of that is because she's asked to do some incredibly weird (read: dumb) things. Also, like many movies that end with disaster narrowly-avoided-and nowhere else in the plot to go-Resurrection ends with a coda that tries to be poetic and profound but mostly just ends up being lame.

Content:
Gore, gore, gore! This is a blood and guts (and brains) type of movie, so keep the little kids (and some of the easily-squeamish adults) away. People and aliens are blown apart left and right, and many of the details (like organs dnd body parts) are shown. F-words are also dropped like hot potatoes, used as nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, etc... There are a few brief nude images (like a quick shot of a woman in a thong), and some unsightly-bordering-on-hideous shots of half-Ripley/half-alien prototypes the scientists were working on. In short: Resurrection, like most horror movies, doesn't exactly back into its R rating; it wears it proudly on its sleeve.

Bottom Line (I promise):
At twenty minutes, I was thinking what the hell? At one hour, I was thinking: hey, this is all right. And at an hour-and-a-half, I was thinking: You know, this is actually kinda cool. Resurrection isn't a masterpiece of plotting and suspense like the first two pictures in the saga, but it's a campy and intriguing action flick that, if you're into sci-fi, should float your boat.

Alien: Resurrection (1997)
Directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet
Written by Joss Whedon; based on characters created by Dan O'Bannon and Ronald Shusett
Length: 109 minutes
Rated R

LOCKOUT

Lockout (2012)
Grade: C
Starring: Guy Pearce, Maggie Grace, Joseph Gilgun, Vincent Regan, Lennie James, Peter Stormare, Peter Hudson, and Tim Plester
PREMISE: When the inmates of a maximum-security prison riot and take over while the President’s daughter is aboard on a peacekeeping mission, the U.S. Government dispatches a rogue agent to bring her back and, if possible, wrest the station from control of the prisoners.

RATED PG-13 for language, violence, some bloody material and scary images

Lockout is unquestionably one of those movies that makes a great trailer. High-security prison in space + pretty, good-hearted president’s daughter (Maggie Grace of Taken fame) + prisoner takeover + (most importantly) quippy, muscle-bound rebel-without-a-cause (Guy Pearce) = cool premise and action galore. Sounds like a can’t-miss idea, right? Surprisingly for such an intriguing idea, Lockout barely succeeds. Mostly, its 95-minute running time plays like a trailer for a longer, more developed movie. The action scenes are quick and barely get the pulse racing, the dialogue is short, cute, and over with quickly, the emotion is half-baked and the romantic sparks are ambiguous, at best. Throw in a decidedly murky and unnecessary subplot, and Lockout sputters.

Plot: Snow (Pearce) has just been arrested for murder, espionage and scheming to bring down the U.S. Government. When he refuses to admit guilt-claiming someone else set him up and actually committed the key murder-plus showering his captors with cheap insults, Agent Langral (Peter Stormare) decides he’s earned himself a visit to the Big House. In this case, the Big House is MS-1, a space station/prison that orbits the earth. It’s still in its test phase, but, what with its ability to keep prisoners in cryo-sleep (and, therefore, under complete control at all times) it seems bound to be a big hit, and it has the capacity to hold over 500,000. However, Snow can’t even be transported there before the inmates take over. It happens when President Warnock’s daughter Emilie (Grace) is on board, trying to get an idea of the psychological state of people kept in cryo-sleep for years at a time—one of her aides sneaks in an extra gun, and, when he gets up close and personal with a prisoner (Joseph Gilgun) who’s being mouthy with the First Daughter, the gun is snatched. You can pretty much guess what happens from there. The prisoners are freed from cryo-sleep, swamp the prison guards, blast the warden out into space, injure the First Daughter and take her and her surviving aides hostage, and there seems to be nothing for the Government to do but blow it out of the sky. Of course, the president (Peter Hudson) isn’t about to let that happen while his daughter is on board. They send in Snow, hoping he can locate the First Daughter and get her to the hidden escape pod—once she’s freed, the decision to blow the station will be easy. But Snow is outnumbered, outgunned, and time is running out.

What Works?
Both leads deserve a better movie. Pearce (who should look familiar after appearing some of the past few decades’ most popular films: 1997’s L.A. Confidential, 2002’s The Count of Monte Cristo, 2009’s The King’s Speech) is smarter than the average muscle-head movie star, and this is an interesting change of pace for him. He has a lot of fun with his character’s rebellious, smart-mouth tendencies, and you can’t always tell exactly what he’s about to do. And, for a guy with a track record as a character actor, he’s surprisingly-convincing as a buff secret agent. Grace is solid, too, showing more brains than the average damsel-in-distress while navigating the emotional waters of chirpy smart girl, terrified hostage and mourner even before she gets to fit neatly into the opposites-attract dynamic with Pearce. They have surprisingly decent chemistry, and their snappy interplay is often quite funny.

What Doesn’t Work?
While you could argue that, even for an action flick like this, the two main characters making a solid impression counts as success, the movie itself isn’t all that good. It feels sorta empty, and it flies by. And that’s not to mention so much is left out—the movie jumps periods of time (including hours) in the blink of an eye, and fails to explain a lot of small but important details as it hustles. All this brought on-for me-an air of disbelief, as I couldn’t believe this was the real movie and not a simply a trailer or a sneak peek. And the subplot, involving Snow’s effort to prove his innocence by trying to find a fellow conspirator among the ship’s inmates, is distracting and rather phoned-in. It’s as if the filmmakers suddenly realized their movie was about 45 minutes long and needed more details. Newsflash: if your action film just has some more action-and maybe some more down time with your two talented leads-you don’t need to add extra plot lines.

Most of the other characters given significant screen time are just distracting. Lennie James and Peter Stormare are the requisite informed Government heavies, Peter Hudson is the deer-in-the-headlights president, and Joseph Gilgun and Vincent Regan are the two “leaders” of the inmates, a pair of Scottish brothers, the former of whom is completely insane and the latter is principled but merciless. Both actors are memorable but under developed.

And, in another big strike against an action movie like this, a key early chase scene is so frantically filmed that it’s almost unintelligible, and the special effects aren’t always convincing.

Content:
There’s a fair amount of language (including PG-13’s one allotted F-word), and, while most of the violence is kept at a distance, there are some unnerving details like the crazy Gilgun character offing a bunch of innocent hostages right after he said he wouldn’t. Then again, Lockout is so brisk and quick that most details won’t stay with you very long.

Bottom Line (I promise):
A cool premise + two engaging main actors seems a recipe for success, but Lockout seems so intent on being over with quickly that it undermines its better qualities. It’s a mildly-entertaining rental at best.

Lockout (2012)
Directed by James Mather and Stephen St. Leger
Written by James Mather, Stephen St. Leger, and Luc Besson
Length: 95 minutes
Rated PG-13

WAR HORSE

War Horse (2011)
Grade: B+
DIRECTED BY STEVEN SPIELBERG
Starring: Jeremy Irvine, Peter Mullan, David Thewlis, Emily Watson, Matt Milne, Robert Emms, Tom Hiddleston, Benedict Cumberbatch, David Kross, Leonard Carow, Celine Buckens, Niels Arestrup, Toby Kebbell, Hinnerk Schonemann, and Eddie Marsan
PREMISE: A horse born and raised on an English farm in the early 1900s is whisked away for use in the army during World War I. During the war, the horse goes from owner to owner, from English to Germans, and, like the people around it, struggles to survive.

RATED PG-13 for intense war violence and scenes of peril, and dramatic emotional content

Saving Private Ryan and Schindler’s List will always be Steven Spielberg’s masterpieces, but War Horse is one heck of an invigorating epic. Beautifully-filmed, powerfully-moving, funny, terrifying and both gut and heart-wrenching, Horse is a powerful picture that, in the hands of a masterful director, shows both the agony and the ecstasy human beings can experience, and the best and worst they’re capable of. Though it’s nearly two-and-a-half hours long, it’s an adventure that keeps you spellbound, and only during the last thirty minutes (when the movie threatens to overdose on sentimentality) does it stumble.

Plot: By all accounts, Joey (the titular horse, which is chestnut brown with a few identifying white spots) should never have passed into Albert Narracott’s hands (Albert is played by the earnest, expressive actor Jeremy Irvine). But his drunken father (Peter Mullan) saw something in its fight and spirit at an auction, enough to quite literally bet the family’s farm on it. When the financial burden of the farm becomes too great, however, the father is forced to sell Joey, sending him into the hands of an idealistic army officer (Tom Hiddleston) just as the Great War appears on the horizon. After one early, frightful battle, Joey passes into the hands of the Germans, where he’s soon used to aid a pair of brothers (David Kross and Leonard Carow) as they dessert the Kaiser’s ranks. Shortly thereafter abandoned at a farm owned by a hard-working old man (Niels Arestrup) and his sweet-natured granddaughter (Celine Buckens), he becomes a family fixture just before the Germans show up again, taking him immediately back into the fold to help pull artillery. He’s soon caught up in another battle, one in which both the Germans and English suffer staggering casualties, and one in which Albert is present, fighting for his country just as he vowed to do once his horse was taken away to do the very same thing.

What Works?An awful lot. In the tradition of great epics, War Horse features stunning cinematography, heart-stopping action, moments of intimate character development, and across-the-board strong performances from a sprawling cast.

Janusz Kaminski’s camera works wonders, capturing glimpses of gorgeous countryside and terrifying battles, building suspense as characters hurry to find one another, following both people and animals as they try to hide from foes, and watching as desperate men both German and English struggle to accept the inevitability of their mortality. The violence in War Horse doesn’t come close to matching Spielberg’s iconic Private Ryan carnage, but what it lacks in bloody details it makes up for in shock, awe, and the grim reality of destructive war. The film’s great epic moment comes from a British officer (Benedict Cumberbatch) shouting “BE BRAVE” to his men before a head-on charge into enemy territory; another similar, but rather less-inspiring, moment comes when an officer in a trench cries “May God and the King watch over you” just before his men run out into No-Man’s Land. The pointlessness of that ‘encouragement’ is revealed a moment later, when the soldiers are blown to bits almost as soon as they step onto the battlefield. And one of the film’s most unforgettably shaking moments comes when Hiddleston’s officer realizes he and his men have hurried head-on into a fatal ambush—the actor’s expression, shocked and scared, will stay with you.

Basically, War Horse does about as well as Private Ryan at depicting the hopelessness and-dare I say it-pointlessness of war, in which many faceless men (and women) die, many of them without knowing why they’re even fighting. But this pointlessness is set aside in one critical late scene when a Brit (Toby Kebbell) and a German (Hinnerk Schonemann) work together to try and free Joey from tangles of barbed wire. Set aside whether or not such a spectacle is truly believable, and listen to the dialogue—“How are things over in your trench?” “Delightful.” And, when they part ways, the German says “just remember Peter, your friend from Dusseldorf!” It’s one of the most unique, beautiful movie moments I can think of, and one that gives you hope for the human race in a movie that points to some of our worst tendencies.

The battle scenes are what will probably stay with you, but there’s plenty of sublime material off the battlefield: scenes of Albert training Joey have a familiar but inspiring lift, Celine Buckens shines with youthful enthusiasm as a girl who unexpectedly finds Joey in her barn, feeds him, and tries to teach him to leap hurdles, and Emily Watson, as Albert’s mother, is perfect in a moment when she tries to explain to her son why his father drinks so much—and exactly what it is he’s trying to escape by drinking.

What Doesn’t Work?I’ve waxed poetic about War Horse’s ability to show war at its grittiest. It’s not quite as good at navigating more familiar waters about a family in dire straits, with nothing but a horse to hope in, and a textbook happy ending. As I mentioned, the last thirty minutes are a little too nice, a little overly-sentimental, so, despite the obvious emotional satisfaction (and our instinctive pleasure, as moviegoers, at seeing everything work out), it’s hard to not to question the legitimacy of what’s occurring onscreen. One of the only criticisms anyone’s ever had of Spielberg’s classic, Schindler’s List, was a late moment when Oskar Schindler broke down with regret and remorse at not saving more Jews—many thought it was a little too treacly, too much of an attempt to wring tears from the audience. Most of the last thirty minutes here have that feel. It doesn’t ruin War Horse, but it pushes the boundaries of believability a bit too far, and feels a bit too manufactured.

Content:I’m sure you can figure this out for yourself if you’ve read this far: War Horse features several full-scale battle scenes that aren’t particularly bloody but are frighteningly-intense. Throw in the animals-in-peril angle, and you’ve got a movie that is definitely not childproof. Beyond battles, however, the film is clean: there’s nary a swear word or sexual reference.

Bottom Line (I Promise):So very close to being flat-out amazing, War Horse is powerful, moving, and unforgettable, but an undercurrent of undeniable schmaltz rises up to take some of the air out of the third act. However, it’s still a very solid movie, made with love and care by the great director, Spielberg.

War Horse (2011)
Directed by Steven Spielberg
Written by Lee Hall and Richard Curtis; Based on the book by Michael Morpurgo
Rated PG-13
Length: 146 minutes

WRATH OF THE TITANS

Wrath of the Titans (2012)
Grade: C-
Starring: Sam Worthington, Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes, Edgar Ramirez, Toby Kebbell, Rosamund Pike, John Bell and Bill Nighy
PREMISE: God/man Perseus must battle powerful otherworldly creatures, retrieve a supernatural weapon, and navigate an impossible labyrinth in order to save his father, the god Zeus, and stop a monster unlike any other from being unleashed on Ancient Greece.

RATED PG-13 for violence and scary images

I’m one of the only people I know who actually embraced 2010’s Clash of the Titans, a quick little effects-driven odyssey about a demigod (half human/half god), Perseus (Sam Worthington), who was looking to save Ancient Greece from dark supernatural powers. Most of the naysayers I know were displeased with the film’s lack of heart and character development; conversely, I think I liked it because I didn’t expect it to be The Lord of the Rings or Braveheart or something (we’ve been spoiled with several actual really good, deep battle movies in recent years). To me, Clash of the Titans was what it was supposed to be, a fast-paced swords-and-sandals flick with plenty of action, some cool effects, some mythological mumbo-jumbo, a hot babe (Gemma Arterton) and a super-masculine dude looking to win that babe by being heroic (Worthington).

However, its sequel, Wrath of the Titans, which came out this past Friday, can’t even manage that. The hot babe (Rosamund Pike) could barely have been used less, the primary villain (Edgar Ramirez’s Ares) is a mopey man-child, the special effects are pretty crappy (fake-looking Cyclops, Pegasus, Minotaur, etc…) and the dialogue is so bad its only memorable line is the previous film’s best line (“Release the Kraken”) mentioned in passing. To me, Wrath was flat-out boring--something no hour-and-a-half action flick is supposed to be--and I couldn’t wait for it to be over so I could go do something productive.

Plot: About ten years after his legendary defeat of the Kraken, Perseus has just buried his wife (sadly, the adorable Arterton does not appear in this film), and, with his sword and armor hidden away, spends his time trying to raise his young son Helius (John Bell) as an ordinary, boring human fisherman. But, soon enough, the land is again being menaced by creatures from the Underworld, and other worlds, and Perseus has to let his savior/warrior flag fly. Turns out Ares (another half-human son of Zeus) has joined up with Hades (Ralph Fiennes) and decided to win immortality by freeing his and Zeus's (Liam Neeson) father, Kronos, who can only be awoken from imprisonment/hibernation by being fed someone’s power, and Ares and Hades have decided it should be Zeus’s. Outmatched and in desperate need of help, Zeus pleas with Perseus, his son, to save him, even if it means a trip to Tartarus, the Underworld prison that is both impossible to find and, if found, impossible to navigate. And the only thing that can possibly defeat Kronos, if he is revived, is the Spear of Triam, a kind of super-weapon made up of Zeus’ Thunderbolt, Hades’ Pitchfork, and Poseidon’s Trident. So Perseus sets off at once, aided by a fugitive (Toby Kebbell) known as “The Navigator”, the warrior queen Andromeda (Pike) and the half-crazy old blacksmith (Bill Nighy) who designed the Spear of Triam, to reclaim the weapon and navigate the prison. Dogging their steps is Ares, who has long despised Perseus for being Zeus' favorite son.

What Works?
Not a lot. Nighy is a bit of fun, but his character is disposed of way too quickly. The only actor who truly seems to have a sense of conviction is Fiennes, who’s probably glad to have his nose back (he was denied it in his popular gig as Harry Potter super villain Voldemort over the last half-decade). Hades is the only character who’s really interesting or menacing at all, even if he gets some annoyingly-whiny dialogue (apparently, Bro issues can be as bad as Daddy issues, as evidenced by Hades’ pining for acceptance from Zeus). Neeson is about 50/50—he could do this in his sleep, but he, too, has some conviction. And the only time Wrath approaches the level of campy fun it’s clearly shooting for is when Hades and Zeus put aside their differences and take on some nasty baddies by blasting them out of the way just by thrusting their palms in the monsters’ general directions.

What Doesn’t Work?
Just about everything else. Worthington, whenever he’s stationary enough to actually try and act, does his usual ruggedly-masculine-yet-sensitive routine; it’s just a shame that he doesn’t do anything he hasn’t already done in Avatar, Terminator: Salvation, or Clash. Pike has a gorgeous face (as evidenced by some breathtaking close-ups) but is saddled with what has to be one of the most thankless roles in recent movie history—for a Warrior Queen, she's almost never shown fighting anyone and she’s never shown acting with any queenly authority. And, considering she’s the only female around, you figure she and Worthington are supposed to develop something, but there’s not a whiff of chemistry between them (and the movie doesn’t try at all--their one kiss, which was shown in the trailers, was probably only filmed to try and lure date-going couples into the theater). Elsewhere, Ares, as mentioned, is just a whiny beefcake, and Kebbell is slightly engaging but his character has nowhere to go--a fact that becomes obvious pretty fast.

Of course, Wrath isn’t supposed to be about the acting, but there are lots of other problems besides a lack of any discernible character development (in anyone but Fiennes and Neeson, that is): the action is mostly incomprehensible, there are gaps in logic everywhere, the storyline stinks and it's hard to follow, most attempts at humor are borderline pathetic, and the entire plot hinges on the ridiculous notion that the flesh-and-blood Zeus, Hades, and Poseidon (Danny Huston, in a tiny part) are offspring of a giant lava monster. Speaking of Kronos, I can’t have been the only person scratching my head over Perseus’ figuring that the best way to combat the monster was to fly his Pegasus straight through the clouds of molten lava being chucked at him. If I were that Pegasus (which only ever appears in the film exactly when, and where, Perseus needs it), I’d sue, or at least find an owner with more concern for my well-being.

There’s also a serious breach of logic when the primary trio (Worthington, Pike, Kebbell) gets lost in the ever-shifting labyrinth of Tartarus’ many massive passageways, yet still end up exactly where they need to get to save Zeus (presumably, somewhere in the middle or at the far end) in about five minutes.

Content:
Some of the monsters are flaming demons that look moderately scary and stab and slash the hell out of some unimportant faceless CGI people, but the real problem for parents with little kids is likely going to be the kids’ frequently asking what’s going on, and parents’ being unable to tell them. The action is furious but pretty bloodless, and even bloodied or bruised people tend to noticeably improve from scene to scene, even if only minutes or even seconds passed. Wrath is intense but inordinately silly.

Bottom Line:
If you really want action, go see John Carter, Act of Valor, or 21 Jump Street. If you want more human touches, watch The Hunger Games or Mirror Mirror. If you want to see something that’s only occasionally so bad it’s funny, and almost never so bad it’s good (mostly just so bad that it’s, well, bad), well...I still can’t really recommend this. Inoffensive but instantly forgettable, Wrath of the Titans is miles from being a must-see.

Wrath of the Titans (2012)
Directed by Jonathan Liebesman
Written by Dan Mazeau, Greg Berlanti and David Leslie Johnson; from a story by Beverley Cross
Length: 99 minutes
Rated PG-13